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I Lost My Dog, Soldier, Forever Ago. I Mean, 48 Days Ago.

i remember sitting on the ground that day with Soldier as the vet told us that there wasn’t good news and that we could take him home for one night. he had cancer and it spread to his lungs. he could barely breathe. we didn’t know. we knew something was wrong but he was hiding it from us so well. if we wanted to take him home for one night we could. i remember sitting with him on the ground. she met us there. the only words out of my mouth as tears streamed down my face in front of a stranger, “there’s nothing we can do?”…”i’m not going to treatment tomorrow”, “i don’t want to take him home. he’s in too much pain” …“call gracie”...who just so happened to be in town for the weekend too. not a coincidence. thank you Jesus. all of it worked out. but man that dog is a butt. and i miss him so.

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This Is Just Your Reminder That It Doesn’t Have To End ;

this song came on when i was in the car this morning. my mind went to all the times i’ve been in this place … feeling hidden, forgotten, hopeless, broken, the reality of innocence stolen. all the lyrics resonated. feeling so alone simply just wanting the ache and pain to end. feeling completely misunderstood by the world and wanting God to show up. to be seen and safe. to be understood. to not have to defend myself. thank God for the reality of our God being Emmanuel. thank God for Jehovah Rapha. thank God for the God who sees and knows and wants to be close. for the One who fights for me and with me and has never left me. be encouraged tonight. if you’re in that place… as i write from a similar place. knowing hope and knowing pain. let this be your reminder that Emmanuel is close. so very close. hand in hand He wants to be. to rescue. to save. he is Savior after all.

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To The Girl In Room 205

it's time to go to the meal room. you knew going into this it would be a lot. you've been through this before. but for someone whose strength is spent, six times to the meal room a day feels straight up impossible. exhaustion woven through your body, your mind, your words, your thoughts. you do it day in and day out. you sit at the table with five others but in a room full of others. you're monitored. they watch you eat. they serve you Kate Farms (dairy-free version of Boost) if you don't. you wonder how things got to this point. you begin to feel the anger from within rise as you think of the memories and the people that have led you to this very place. the root issues. the root pain. was it all just you? or was it all him? was it both? but on the surface, you're simply pouring granola into some dairy-free yogurt and slowly eating it as you watch the clock. you're cutting (or tearing it if you can't yet use a knife) your sandwich into fours and told not to by staff. they're simply trying to help but it's a moment when helping hurts. i push my plate away. how could this be. doing your best but your best isn't good enough. criticized for doing your best. Kate Farms it'll be. to the girl in room 205, i am sorry.

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Reminders from Main Street in the Pearl of Africa

the day before i came back to the States, i was walking on Main Street in the middle of the Pearl of Africa. we stopped at one of the shops and began talking to the shop owner. after a few minutes of conversation, there was a break and pure silence. all but the hustle of life and boda boda’s buzzing around us. it was as if this stranger and i were no strangers at all in that moment. we made direct eye contact. my heart leaning away with hesitancy but filling up with an abundance of expectancy, i asked if she could give me a Ugandan name.

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Little Big Life Updates

starting school soon, creating a haven within the happy camper, writing again. a lot of new. a lot of good. a lot of hard healing. a lot of God doing new things in me. bringing me up higher with Him to see things from His perspective as i go lower in surrender daily. daily. daily.

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“Due to Losing Options”

the doctor handed me a piece of paper on my way out of the office in downtown Redding one morning and said, “we can check back in a year from now”. looking down at the paper, he had written a prescription for a pain medication that he said was not promised to work and added the words, “due to losing options”. the little bit of strength i had to go back to him once more looking for any more answers was ripped out from within me as he handed me that visit summary.

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Snails and Stars – A Night at The Treatment Center

"annie to the med room. annie, annieee to the med room". nights were the hardest during treatment and this night was no exception. i was being called up to take my night meds which i took every night to help me sleep. anything to help me get sleep these days. but that night i wasn't ready to go upstairs to get my meds. i wasn't ready to go to sleep with my mind in the state that it was in. flashbacks were coming in a persistent and wildly unwelcoming manner as all do and i couldn't shake them. i didn't want to fall asleep like this.

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Always An Invitation

there’s always an invitation. we are always invited. to come away with, to dine with, to behold, to gaze upon His beauty, to never lose sight of Him. there's always an invitation. we are always invited. will we say yes?

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Core Memory Shattered

my sample perfume shattered on the floor before my eyes this morning. it would have been an ordinarily clumsy moment if anyone else were to observe this. it was a sample. one of five. so tiny. but my mind began questioning. which was it? which dropped? hopefully not one of the two favorites. i looked at the four still intact and couldn’t recall which was missing...making itself known with its sample scent all over the floor. i bent down and began cleaning up the broken pieces. one of the bigger pieces had black letters and as i picked it up i read “core mem”. i had dropped the perfume “core memory”. to anyone else, it would've been trivial. to me, the name was significant. in this season and in that specific moment. it was strikingly significant. to me, what happened and what it had represented was just as significant. core memories have brought me to the place i am in today. recovering from an eating disorder, battling daily with panic and a diagnosis of ptsd. core memories. "a set of memories that hold emotional value", i have read elsewhere. the definition could take your mind to core memories that are good or not so good. i knew as soon as i saw the name, this was about memories of moments that have wrecked my life.

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My Testimony – All Things Bitter Into Something So Sweet

i have experienced Jesus reaching out with His nail-scarred hands and inviting me to come away with Him. “invited unto death” but realizing that is where my life is found. He showed me how to sit with Him in my pain. He showed me how i don’t have to be afraid of pain that i feel - both physically or emotionally. the Prince of Peace is closer still. He is right there in the middle of it all with me. in the moments where i feel the weakest, i meet the greatest Strength living within me. i might be weak but God is so strong within me.